Writer’s Block

For my first blog post, I’ll start by saying I have “writer’s block.” Never really truly empathized with the term until now. The block stems from pain. I feel an urgency to express this pain in order to surpass this blockage. Sometimes the only way to get around something is to go through it. I am an expressive person by nature and writing about other topics only leads me back to this one: My pain.

I recently lost my German Shepherd, Dutch Ramsey Mohamed, mid January.

iloveyouboy

12.14.2013 – 1.13.2016

In a nutshell, he was only two and his death came as a complete “surprise.” (Surprise my ass) I’ve never lost an animal/person/soul/spirit so close to me and so suddenly. I’m a mommy now so I took about half a day to “mourn” before “moving on.”

When a Life comes and goes, it’s easy to ask yourself: Why? Such a simple question for such complexities of answers. It’s funny how certain things stick in your head for so many years before finally making sense. When I was 19, a woman said to me that people will come into your life for a reason, a season or a lifetime. It struck me then just as much as it strikes me now. Dutch was a reason and a season for me. When I think of him, I think of our “secrets” and smile. Up until he passed away, I would grab him by the snout and kiss it and whisper in his ear that I loved him so much and he was my boy. My eyes water because I am so grateful I did that. I could beat myself up for what I could have, should have or would have done differently but I don’t. I won’t. I have a precious daughter who needs a happy and healthy mommy. I confess, I have been weak since his death but her voice alone gives me strength to get up and start over with a smile everyday. A real smile because your children sense bullshit. At least that’s what my Daddy told me after meeting Evelet. He said to “be happy” so I truly aspire to be. (Thank you Daddy)

Enough with my Debbie downer blog post already. After plenty of waxing and waning conversations with Jaisen, we decided to “try again” and got a puppy. Another German shepherd. Meet Nanook Ramsey Mohamed. His name came from the 1987 movie entitled “The Lost Boys” in which a Siberian Husky plays the role of “Nanook.” Nanook means polar bear in Native American. His breeder said he was the bear of his siblings so there wen’t that.

nanook

Born December 7, 2015 (Yup, another Sagittarius)

Nanook (or as Evelet calls him: “nook”) stirs something within. A deep seated pain, a new love, feelings I cannot place and emotions I am unable to tame. I’ve accidentally called him Dutch on three separate occasions. Understandable. But I’m giving the 13th Century Persian Poet Rumi’s advice a shot by going with what he said…..: “Sometimes you’ve got to break your heart until it opens.” You love and you lose. You lose and you love. But of all the things I’ve learned at the start of this year of the Chinese Monkey Calendar, you’ve got to keep going. And by keep going I mean keep loving. Love doesn’t hurt. Missing hurts. Love is love. Your heart can (and will) break many times and in many different ways but it still beats. It still throbs. Although it aches from time to time, it’s alive and what better way to relieve the ache than by moving on….or in my case, love on.

I already feel better for posting this. Maybe I’ll feel stupid tomorrow. But I’d rather feel better today than feel stupid for a tomorrow I’m never promised. So here’s for now. Here’s for today. Here’s for all the broken hearts out there….. may yours mend when the time is right through pure love and precious light.

In loving memory of my Dutch boy,
Stephanie

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