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When Alba hit about 3 months, a huge weight lifted. I couldn’t have asked for a happier, easier baby… that “newborn/am I going to break this fragile thing” feeling has worn off. This being my second baby, so much is the same yet different from the first. It’s easy to lose yourself as an individual in the beginning. I found myself resisting and fighting to stay true to myself but ended up surrendering into the moments by leaning into them. No one talks about the details of how hard it is at first. It’s easy to feel shame or guilt for even feeling blue after having a baby. Why is this? Society? Upbringing? Expectations?
I am sharing my own personal experience and yours may be completely different or quite similar…
Birth is a beautiful and miraculous trauma to the body… With raging hormones and adjusting and readjusting, healing and relearning my mind, body and spirit after a baby, I found myself feeling horribly negative at times…associated with tremendous grief for feeling bad because so many want children and are unable to have and also because so many are unhealthy and mine is not one of them. No one talks about this part of life as a new mother. It’s almost as if I should be quiet because compared to others not so fortunate, I have it made. But just because I have a happy, healthy baby doesn’t mean I shouldn’t or don’t feel down at times. I can still share my hardships too. For me, getting to that 3 month mark gave me a bit of hope. I started to “get a grip” on my life again. I think it all boils down to control or loss of it. Think of losing control of your car while driving down a curvy road. What is in reality a few seconds feels like an eternity. No matter how much you prepare yourself, it’s still scary, difficult and it still hurts. The pain is indeed a blessing AND it’s okay to feel ALL the feelings. Good and bad. I’d say the unhealthiest thing to do is push the bad stuff down. Things rise up during this phase…things I don’t like, don’t want to feel and don’t even want to acknowledge. But I let myself feel and let myself let go. I think one of the best things I did for myself during this phase was continue to do the things that made my heart shine as an individual. As Who I am underneath all the hats I wear including motherhood. Everyone has their own thing… for me personally, photography has always been a safe space I can escape in while expressing myself and finding stillness all at the same time. I am incapable of taking photos without feeling a riot in my heart……. and vice versa. I took these photos over a month ago and have been thinking about how to share my inner workings ever since. It was a Sunday. Both of the girls went down for a nap at the same time…a rarity…and Jaisen was outside doing yard work. I could have cleaned, I could have slept, I could have worked but none of those things brought me “home.” I picked up my camera and like a dancer in the midst of a song, I spun myself into my very own bliss. Afterwards, I felt recharged. Refreshed. I remembered who I was at the very center of my being. I was home.
I suppose my message above all else is we all have an internal flame…”but like the flame that burns the candle, the candle feeds the flame..” Find your bliss whatever it may be. Light your inner flame by doing whatever it is that makes your heart soar as only You know how to do. This is your journey and it’s going to be beautiful. There’s all kinds of ways to be a mother and in my opinion, a happy mother is the best kind. To all the new moms out there…or seasoned moms who never get to let your hair down, I hope you know you’re not alone. And it’s okay to want something for just yourself. It’s okay to want more. You’re still a Goddess to me. And you’re still a Good Mother. May you live in your truth. Here’s to all the moments and the grace you allow within them.
Sending all the love and light,
Stephanie.
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